Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wasted Time

I used to think I had all the time in the world to change my aversion to risk, my avoidance, my desire to hide and protect myself and  begin living my life.  For as long as I can remember I have chased security the way most people chase sex.  My life suffice it to say has not been a daring adventure. 

Although I know that security is an illusion I seem to be unable to give up trying to create that illusion for myself.  I build my walls. I run from things that scare me. I isolate instead of engage.

In Richard Adams' novel Watership Down tharn is a fictional word used to describe an animal frozen in terror.  It is used when the rabbits, who are the main characters, are confronted with danger and become frozen in place.  I have used tharn since high school to describe myself because when I feel threatened or unsure I too become paralyzed.
Very Frightened Bunny
I believed that this aspect of my character would change once I managed to create enough security around myself.  Yet I never seem to reach that elusive place.....that place of enough.

In Dennis Lehane's novel The Given Day, the main character observes the following:

"The world gathered speed with every passing day and the faster it went the less it seemed to be steered by any rudder or guided by any constellation.  It just continued to sail on, regardless of him."

The world is sailing on, faster and faster regardless of me as I futilely chase an illusion. 

Tomorrow I am attending a writing workshop, the same writing workshop that I attended in February and bailed from, not finishing.   This time I intend to finish.  It 's not quite a daring adventure but it's a start.

Therefore, I shall conclude by using the immortal words of Bob Wiley (Bill Murray) in the movie What About Bob?

Baby steps down the steps down the hall.  Baby steps into the elevator... baby steps into the elevator... I'  I'm AHHHHHHHHHHHH!