Boundaries

Boundaries are tough.  Where do I end and you begin?  For what am I responsible? Not responsible?  How do I keep from being swallowed or engulfed but not put up a fortress?  Is it possible to protect the things that are most important to me without stepping all over you? What is acceptable? What not?  What can be done when someone violates my boundaries?  How do I stay safe but still engage?

In the past boundaries for me have been of two extremes, either permeable and unhealthy or totally solid allowing no access in or out.  This hasn't worked out too well as it either has kept me completely isolated or trapped in toxic relationships.  What I need is to learn how to remain autonomous but still engage while keeping my integrity, not hiding or pretending. I am responsible to take action when my boundaries are violated.  Playing the victim and blaming has not been all that effective so far.

Me when my boundaries are crossed

 As a child my mother saw any attempt on my part to individuate as an affront to her.  In her mind, being her child, I belonged to her.  She saw my behavior, my appearance, my actions all as a reflection of her and if I made a mistake,  she felt the embarrassment and shame.  If I succeeded she took the credit and felt accomplishment.  For my mom, any emotion be it anger, sadness, anxiety, shame or fear had to be blamed on someone or something else.  She could never be responsible and so her feelings became my fault.  My job was to anticipate her feelings and to fix whatever was causing them.  I was responsible.

 For her. 

Eventually this dynamic generalized to everyone and as a result I never grew up, blamed all of my disappointments, failures and sorrows on the world and longingly waited for someone or something to come along and fix me.  When nothing was forthcoming I withdrew and detached myself from the world as much as possible.  Not knowing how to set boundaries made me a  nice, polite doormat who hated everyone and everything.   I became a misanthrope.  Pushing down my own needs and beliefs made me ugly, angry, anxious and depressed.  It is in fact how I became dark and twisty. 

That is until Sunshine and Happiness. (And no she didn't "fix me" but her support sure helped me accept myself as I am.)

Recovery in AA and my relationship with S&H have taught me that I need to be clear about  my boundaries.  A big lesson has been that I am responsible for myself.  I must ensure that my boundaries are respected and take action when they are not.  I may not be able to change the actions of another person but I am responsible for how I respond to those actions.  If  a boundary is violated I have a choice.  I can wimp out, allow it and pretend or I can take an action to let the boundary violator know that the violation is not OK and this is what I'm going to do about it.

Ah....so easy to say, but tomorrow I'm going to get to actually practice this shit.

In the morning I'm taking my mom to the doctor.  I do really love my mom but she can be toxic.   As a child I was powerless to do anything about her batshit craziness and how it affected me because under threat of physical harm I had to be a compliant, obedient, "good girl."  Today I am a grown up and SHE IS NOT THE BOSS OF ME, so if I allow myself to people please and pretend, I have only to look in the mirror to see who is responsible.  Tomorrow I am going to set a boundary with my mom and this is what I want my it to look like:

MY BOUNDARY

This though is what I am afraid my boundary is going to look like after my conversation with her.

MY BOUNDARY AFTER MY MOM RUNS OVER IT

For this not to happen I need to remember that I'm not responsible for her or her reaction, just my own.  The only person I have control over is me and I can't change her or expect that she is going to be different.  I don't though have to accept unacceptable behavior and I don't have to pretend to agree with her meanness to others, her blaming and her lack of awareness and remorse.    I have worked hard to develop my own opinions, my own values and my own life and she can't hurt me without my permission.  I am going to do my best to set my boundary with gentleness and love while staying true to myself and not backing down.  The amazing thing is that if I succeed....

It will be a first.

Fame

Pittsburgh Auditions

According to the American Idol website there are 446 bridges in the City of Champions.  As a lifelong Pittsburgher you can't miss the fact that there are a lot of them but I never bothered to count.  It is a myth though that native Pittsburghers don't cross the rivers although it is true that we prefer our " own side."  As a true Northsider would say "if you ain't from the North Side you're from the wrong side."  It is also true that "once a Pittsburgher, always a Pittsburgher."  Seems lots of Pittsburghers who have relocated to see if the grass is really greener migrate back home to raise their families.

Forward now to my thoughts on/of fame.  Auditions for AI Season 11 are being held here today at Heinz Field.  Registration has been ongoing for the past 2 days and the talented, the weird, the hopeful and the bat shit crazy looking for their 15 minutes began lining up and camping out at around 3:00 AM Wednesday.  Due to the age cutoff none of my crazy friends can try out but some are auditioning for the new Batman movie being filmed here. They'll make great extras.

 In 2006, Jude Law's old flame Sienna Miller referred to us as "Shitsburgh" while filming Michael Chabon's  The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.  Let's see, that movie did what box office?  We may not be sophisticated or rise to her standards but my we are pretty.  And we have the Steelers, Penguins and the Buccos of Suckitude (h/t Pittgirl).  My only gripe is we don't have enough sunshine.  On the days we do though there's no place I'd rather be. 

But back to American Idol, I do have a personal story about this show.  When I was younger I sang and played guitar and friends would say to me, "you really should do something with that, audition for a group, play book stores and coffee shops, put yourself out there." Then they would  say, "'cause, you know, you have potential."  At the time  I was too self conscious and socially backward to ever attempt to play publicly and used this as ammunition to prove I am a failure.  That is until this conversation with Sunshine and Happiness:

Me:  "I have wasted my life."

S&H:  "How so?"

Me:  "I'm a coward and too scared to risk anything.  I should've used my talents.  Everyone  told me I had potential."

S&H: " Hmmmm. (musingly) Potential for what? "

Me:  "Well you know, like my guitar playing and my singing. Friends always told me what a good voice I have and how well I play."

S&H:  "Uh-huh.  Well what?  (Huge smile) You think they were telling you you should try out for American Idol or something?"

Me:  "Um, (sheepishly) well yeah."

S&H:  (With unnecessary eye roll) "Oh, honey, they were just paying you a compliment.  You're not that good."  (hysterical laughter)

Me:   "Are YOU sure?" (harrumphing)

S&H:  "Trust me honey."

Of course I never thought to consider that my friends were just being nice.  I truly am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.  Although, I suppose I could give the "Pants on the Ground" guy a run for his money.