Down the Rabbit Hole

The world is upside down.  

Have I ever talked about how I stayed away from my family for over a year and a half because I have a PTSD response to them?  The expression "you make me sick" must at one time have been literal.

This is because my family is nuts. 

Really, there is some weird kind of  mental illness, undiagnosed, that runs straight through my genes. 

Some symptoms:  

1) Constant inane conversation in which insignificant details are repeated over and over and over:

My mom: "Blah, blah, blabbity, blah, blah."

Me:  "Mum, you told me that already."

My mom:  "No I didn't."

Me:  "Yeah, you did

My mom:  "Blah, blah, blabbity blah blah......"  (completely ignoring me)

Me:  (Form pretend gun, place to head, pull trigger)

Listening to my mom's stories is soul death.

2) A complete lack of awareness of others' personal space or boundaries.  

Me:  "Mom, quit grabbing my ass and kissing me smack on the lips."

My mom:  "You know you like it."

3)  Pathological contempt and judgment of others

My mom:  "That doctor doesn't know what he's talking about.  Why just the other day I heard Sharon Osborne on The Talk say blahbity, blah, blah...."

4)  Debilitating self centeredness 

My mom:  Blabbity, me, blah, blah I, blabbity, blabbity, me, me, me.  Also refer to #1

My mom broke her leg, dad had hip surgery and now my grandmother is in the hospital with a compression fracture.  Did I mention no one in the family drives?  Oh, wait a minute.  I drive. Mmm, hmm. 

Being around my family is akin to being invited to jump right in and join the crazy.  Boundaries people.  You can have your crazy, just don't go crossing over into mine. 



MTV

YIKES!  MTV turned 30 last week.  Jesus freakin H. Christ am I old.

When I was young MTV was THE place to go for music, the iTunes of its day and though I was too young to venture into the bars  I could find all the synthesizers, cowbells and whistles a girl could  handle right there on cable.   Endlessly fascinated by the many gender bending artists, I was constantly on the lookout for any hint of girl/girl, boy/boy love, asking myself "are they or aren't they gay?"  Of course my answer was always yes, even though it was mostly wishful thinking.  A girl can dream can't she?

Here in no particular order are my top 10 "gay" music videos.

10)  Tina Marie -  Lovergirl  

The title is Lovergirl (one word) but what I heard was "I wanna be your lover, girl."  Mmmm hmmmm.  Oh and um.... boobs.

80's Fashion was the Bomb

9)  Duran Duran - Wild Boys                Synthesized cowbell anyone?

Boobs

8)  Taylor Dayne - Tell it to My Heart               

7)  Sylvester - Do You Wanna Funk  

Did I mention how much I love synthesizers, cowbells and whistles?  Almost as much as watching half naked men roller skate around a dance floor.  Someday I'll tell you about the time I almost got run down at the now defunct Traveler's Club. LOVE this song.  It was a big part of my first "gay" picnic, what little of it I can remember. (due to alcohol not age)

6)  Yaz - Don't Go     Big girls. Always liked em.  I promise though no more boobs.

OK so I lied.

5) Michael Sembello - Maniac

Well at least it's not boobs this time

I had it bad for Cynthia Rhodes. You go with your bad self in your leotard, leggings and bandana. I actually have a picture of Sunshine and Happiness from her college days in just such an outfit. Sorry, can not post on pain of death.

4)  The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men   Well...OK!

3)  Anything by George Michael or Wham.

2)  Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus      BEST. BASS LINE.  EVER.  Danced to it every time it was played much to the dismay of whomever I was with and they played  this song A LOT.  (Sorry BP)

1)  Madonna - Holiday    Least played.  Most gay.

Oh and almost forgot.....Boobs!

Happy 30th MTV.  It's all downhill from here.

Hide and Seek

SYTYCD Season 2 - Hide and Seek

In 2009, as I was driving along in my car minding my own business a song came on the radio that brought me up short.  The chorus and lyrics were familiar but not the verses and for the life of me I couldn't put my finger on where I'd heard it before.  The hook stuck in my head and I found myself singing it over and over and over, all OCD like.

This what I couldn't get out of my head:

"Mmm whatcha say?

Mmm, that you only meant well. 

Well of course you did. 

Mmm whatcha say?

Mmm, that it's all for the best.  

Of course it is. 

Mmm whatcha say? 

Hmmm, that it's just what we need.

And you decided this? 

Mmm whatcha say?

What did she say?"

Confused I went home to the Almighty Google and found Jason DeRulo's single Whatcha Say . (Which by now every person in the entire world has heard approximately oh, 1 billion times.) This then led me to the Sacred Wikipedia where I found Imogen Heap's 2005 beauty Hide and Seek.  Apparently most folks assume Derulo wrote the chorus to Whatcha Say but it's actually a bastardized sample from her song.

And then it hit me where I'd heard this before.  A few years back Sunshine and Happiness and I were compulsively addicted to So You Think You Can Dance.  S&H loves to watch dance competitions and the yumminess that is Cat Deely was enough to convince me.  During the finals choreographer Mia Michaels set one of her routines to a mashed up version of Hide and Seek.  Oh, Mia, Mia, I miss your pompous ass.

 But on to where it is I'm going with this.

When I found the original Hide and Seek on iTunes it got downloaded PRONTO!   Then every time I listened to it inevitably I'd start crying at "you won't catch me round here," be snotified by the chorus and at the end dissolve into a heaving, sobbing mess.  It felt like being stabbed in the gut.  The song brought back every "this is for your own good," "this is just what you need," "this is all for the best," that I'd heard in my lifetime.  Right before something awful happened. Over and over and over, all OCD like.

Mommy issues anyone?

After awhile though my blubbering remarkably turned into anger.  Horrible, festering anger.  Homicidal, destructive, long suppressed um rage actually.  Oh my!  And so I came to find out, through the suckass feelings evoked by this song, that when I allow myself to feel emotions regardless of how ugly they are and I allow them to come up, despite my natural tendency to stuff them, that I also get to let go of them and make room for the good stuff like happiness, love and joy. 

And so as much as I HATE the song Whatcha Say I'm grateful to Jason Derulo.  Grateful because his song led me to Hide and Seek.  And now I don't have to do either anymore.

 Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek 

Check out Fightstar's acoustic version on youtube.