Wednesday, March 23, 2011

An A-ha Moment

 Natalie Dee Comics
"When you learn to trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Diane
On Friday at the workshop, prior to beginning the first writing exercise, Diane came and stood in front of where I was sitting on the couch.  She looked really tall!  The room we were in was the clubhouse for a plan of homes called the Fields of Nicholson and the room was my favorite color - YELLOW! (I feel like using lots of exclamation points today!!!!)  Anyway, the meeting room had cathedral ceilings, a gas fireplace, full kitchen and best of all did I mention it was yellow?  The bottom half of the walls were a medium shade of mustard and the upper half and ceiling were a cornhusk shade.  The furniture was comfy chic.  And the couch, the couch was a sit and you sink so that you might never be able to pull your fat ass up and out of it cushy.  But I digress....

Before the writing exercise started, Diane came and stood in front of me and held out a pen for, oh, I don't know, like 30 seconds or something.  I already had a pen.  I had numerous pens actually.  I came prepared.   I ignored her at first but she kept standing there and finally she arched her eyebrow and looked at me and said "Well?"  I got pretty irritated and whipped the pen out from between her fingers.  This was apparently what she'd been waiting for because she said "why did you do that?"  I was now annoyed AND confused and I said "well what else would I do?"  Alright, pay attention because this was my AHA moment.  She looked at me, laughed and said, "You didn't have to take itYou had a choice."  Hmmmm, I thought pensively.    At first I didn't get it, as in I didn't really see it as a choice.  What else does one do when someone insistently stands in front of them with a pen?  And it was then that I realized this is how I have lived my entire life.  Being compliant, taking an action because it is what I think someone else expects of me or wants of me, and not even seeing that I do, I do, I do have a choice.  Hell yeah, I have a choice.  I am responsible for my actions and HA, everything is not someone else's fault.   Which leads me to this question, can it really be a choice if I don't know that I have a choice?