Saturday, April 23, 2011

Beautiful World

So it is our last day here at the Spinnaker Beach House and I've been sporadically touchy and irritable. Overall though I have been able to stay in the moment and enjoy the day. We visited North Beach at high tide this morning, stayed til mid afternoon and got some good sun. I can't remember ever being quite this happy.

I was afraid when we got here last Sunday. The real estate company we rented from is called Seabrook Exclusives, the island is a gated community and everyone here looks thin and rich (at least to me.) In my head I was thinking "this is not good." An old friend used to call me a reverse snob because I unfortunately judge wealthy, beautiful people without even getting to know them or giving them a chance. I judge them to keep them from hurting me - go figure. I was also really self-conscious because my wife is a southern charmer and fits right in down here in South Carolina. I on the other hand am a Yankee through and through. And not just a Yankee but a gay Yankee to boot! People can't tell my wife is gay and usually ask us if we are sisters. She always immediately discloses that I am her wife no matter where we are but this time I asked her not to. I was fighting with internal homophobia and for the first time in a long time was afraid to be honest. It was as if all of my adolescent anxieties were right up in my, status, sexuality. I was sure my shame and self hate were going to ruin the entire vacation. And the worst part is that it made me feel disconnected and separate from her.

Things turned around though that night when we went to bed. The villa we are staying in is really comfortable. Sunshine and Happiness says that our place makes her feel held. It does. It's a comfy place, not very big, just large enough for 2 people and 2 shih-tzus. Perfect except that the upstairs "master bath" is about the size of an old phone booth. I noticed this but didn't pay it any mind when we climbed in bed. We had driven 9 hours with 2 dogs and so we were both beat and fell into a sound sleep. I awoke later in the pitch dark to the sounds of my bubby making the following noises as she bounced off of the walls, "oof, ouch, uh, ow, eek", slight pause, then "hey, this bathroom is really small." For some reason this struck me funny and I had one of those laugh until you cry moments. I just could not stop. (Ok, so I know that it doesn't really translate in print but it was hilarious) And for whatever reason, this took away my fear. I felt connected to her again and I realized that the most important thing in the world to me is being with her, no matter where we are. After that I stopped caring what people thought about me. (mostly) I went out in a sleeveless shirt. I wore a bathing suit. I refused to be ashamed. And no one ended up being mean or contemptuous. In fact everyone was friendly and kind. I pre-judged wrongly- AGAIN.

My love says that love not fear is the answer to my problems. She makes me feel held. She takes me to places and shows me things that I would never have the opportunity to experience on my own. She tells me all the time that we will do whatever it takes to create a life worth living. Day by day she chips away at my walls and teaches me to love. So this baby is for you....

So I hate that I sometimes miss what's right in front of my eyes,
And I know at the end of my road I'll be wantin' more time
Just another sunset
One more kiss from my baby
A smile from a friend
It's a beautiful world - Dierks Bentley