Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day

OK I've said it before and I have shame about it but I absolutely HATE Mother's day.  I am really trying not to and I am having a bit more success this year but the thought of it still gives me a migraine.

I have good reasons why I hate it though. The decision to not have children did not come easily and I feel sadness every year because of it.  I am mostly sad because my wife gave up her dream of having children to be with me.  She loves me A LOT.

Also, not having children makes me feel " less than" on bad days because, well even today there is an expectation that women are supposed to want to have children.  Knowing that I never wanted children can make me question if  there is really something wrong with me.  Folks have actually said "how could you not want children?" Knowing that I do not have a maternal bone in my body helps.

In my experience because I am not heterosexually married I am treated as if my life is less important and valid than the lives of those who are married (to men) and have children.  Expectations exist of me that are not placed upon my siblings who are married and have children.

And here is a really self-centered reason.  It makes me sad that I will not have a generational legacy.  When I die, that's it.  Any chance that my child would possess physical features, personality and character traits, the good and bad of me is gone.  And who will I leave all of my momentous stuff to if my wife predeceases me? It makes me feel my mortality that much more.

Another shitty thing is I feel less grown up and responsible than those who have kids and I feel like  a disappointment to my parents for not giving them grandchildren.

Finally I can never find a Mother's Day card appropriate for my mom.  When I read all of the sentimental, nicey nicey stuff  I feel guilty I don't have these feelings for her and no matter how I try I can't seem to muster them up.  And that is ultimately the reason I decided not to have kids.  My mom did the best she could.  I used to think that this was cliche and that people said it because they were not comfortable saying what they really felt.  The older I get though the more I believe it.  She taught me morals, values, showed me love and constancy, fed, clothed, educated, housed and protected me.  If only she had been able to protect me from herself.  My spirit was broken at a very young age.  I swore when I was an adolescent that I would never have children because I knew I would hurt them.  I did not want to pass down the generational legacy of alcoholism, depression and mental illness, the fear of not having enough, the self-hate, anger and abuse that was passed down to me.  Everyone wants something  better for their children than what they had themselves and I knew I couldn't provide that.  So ultimately I guess it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.  I know that I made the right decision.

On a lighter note, I am mother to 2 very cute shih-tzus!

Abby (front) & Maddy

So to those moms with children and to those who have kids with fur I say  HAPPY MOTHER's DAY.  Thank God it only comes once a year.